The Election Fraud Is Coming from Inside the House Spoiler: That House Is White

For years, we’ve been told the threat to democracy was dead voters, undocumented immigrants, mail-in ballots, China, bamboo ballots, and whatever else scared the hell out of the Fox News faithful. Red staters, just sitting there on the edge of their seat tapping into the latest democrat developments, barely coming up for air between Life Alert, Reverse Mortgage and Peyronies disease commercials.

But if you follow the skeins of yarn connected to multiple tacks that hold up suspect mugshots on your map along with faded sticky notes, you will see the most sustained attack on election integrity keeps tracing right back to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The Election Fraud Script

Fox anchors, political pundits and conservative candidates set it off, “be on the lookout, it’s the ballot boogeyman and that bastard’s at it again". Right... on... schedule.

It's every election cycle, Republicans drag out the same cheap horror script and swear this is the one where democracy finally gets butchered by dead people, undocumented immigrants, and mail-in ballots.

It’s a nationwide conspiracy, they say. Manned, womanned, and probably they/them’d by those nasty Libtards, all working overtime to destroy decent God-fearing patriots and turn America into a socialist gender studies seminar.

Look up in the sky (because it’s falling).

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Great googly moogly, no it’s the ballot boogeyman, coming to strip good church folk of their freedom, their unmatched moral values, and their God-given right to say insane shit on Facebook without consequences.

If you’ve never heard of the Ballot Boogeyman, his mission is simple: destroy Christianity, ruin America, and turn every red-blooded patriot into a free-thinking homosexual with healthcare and empathy.

Orrrrrrrrr, maybe people just want basic human rights.

For some, human rights seems to be worst case scenario. Oh the humanity. The audacity of someone receiving the same freedoms? Hide the children, lock up your women and dive into your bomb shelter.

All of this while declaring devotion and service to a loving God, but they can’t possibly bear the thought of loving their neighbor in return? Based on my handbook, that’s what some of these assholes are supposed to do.

But this is what happens when you build your whole political identity around fear, any form of equality starts to feel like a home invasion.

I See Dead People… Voting

One of the oldest tricks in the Republican fear factory is the dead voter routine.

You know the one. Somewhere, somehow, deceased Democrats are crawling out of their graves just long enough to cast a ballot before returning to eternal rest.

Oddly enough, these dead voters never seem to show up where Republicans actually don't need them. They only haunt blue and battleground states. The afterlife is selective AF amirite?  

So, Let us all Get this Straight...

When conservatives lose, it was the dead?

When conservatives win, the system is secure and blessed by God himself?

That’s convenient.

The truth is a lot less cinematic. Every time this stuff gets looked into, it turns up isolated nonsense, not some nationwide zombie electoral uprising. No graveyard coup. No undead coalition. No Thriller remake at your local precinct.

Dead people don’t vote.

And if they did, Mitch McConnell probably would’ve been gone a long time ago.

Although I’ll be honest, if Michael Jackson rose from the dead and led a full assault on a polling station, that would be pretty fuckin’ sick.  I can hear Vincent price now…

Darkness falls across the land. Midterm season is close at hand, evil ghouls from every tomb, are closing into give women the right to their own womb…

Caravans of Illegals Are Crossing the Border to Take Your Jobs… and Vote?

This is one of my favorite campfire stories: Undocumented immigrants are coming for your jobs, your wages, your culture, your children’s future, your sacred values, and apparently now your congressional districts too.

First, if undocumented immigrants were secretly voting in the numbers Republicans claim, Texas would be blue, Florida would be sweating, and Kentucky would have accidentally elected a lesbian librarian by now.

Second, the last thing a person trying to stay under the radar without a work visa is going to do is commit voter fraud. People trying not to get deported do not wake up and think, you know what would really spice up my Tuesday, a felony. Most of them just want work.

Third, immigrants working toward citizenship are not going to torch that whole process just to cast one illegal vote in a country already treating them like a criminal for existing a shade less than saltine.

But that’s the part some people never seem to process.

The whole scam depends on their audience never going to the trouble of asking the obvious question. Why would they ask when their is a clear lack of critical thinking and ignorance? Free thinking people are less likely to be found if they've barely left their own zip code, let alone leave the country. I have immediate family who've never been to another country. If my sister is reading this, Hawaii does not count. I don't even think she's been to Canada.

Point is, why would anyone here from another country legally, or even illegally risk being booted out of the country for one vote?

The point has nothing to do with logic and everything to do with fear, control, greed and power.

Fear is easy to sell. Hell, fear is a product that sells itself.

Fear doesn’t need proof.

Fear just needs a villain, a flag, and an asshole with a microphone, camera and a news network.

Mail-In Ballots are Fine Only for a Select Few?

This is where the whole thing stops being propaganda and starts looking like we’re getting politically punked. Just last week, Donald Trump legit mailed in his ballot from Mar-a-Lago.

That’s right. The man who turned mail in ballots into a cautionary tale and a hot button issue for losing politicians, mailed in his ballot.

So then what exactly are we doing here? If mail in ballots aren't the problem, then what is it?

I thought mail-in ballots are dangerous, corrupt, suspicious, and maybe forged in the basement of a Chinese bamboo factory. Did I get that wrong?

But, that’s the game.

If Republicans win, the system worked.

If Republicans lose, something smells funny.

If they lose badly, it’s fraud.

If they lose repeatedly, it’s a conspiracy.

If all else fails, blame dead people, immigrants, China, George Soros, bamboo ballots, voting machines, or whatever else can terrify your uncle between blood pressure pills that he chases down with Coors Light and pork rinds so he's not taking them on an empty stomach.

The accusation only appears when the outcome hurts their feelings and presents a threat to the status quo.

That’s why mail-in ballots are only suspect when Republicans lose in states they wanted.

Funny how the rules always change right after the scoreboard does.

But when it comes to the president, there’s no such thing as a stationary goal post.

The Pre Election Cycle Playbook

We all know how this works....

Step One: Tell your base the election is already being stolen.

Step Two: Flood the public with accusations before any evidence exists.

Step Three: Lose.

Step Four: Treat losing like proof.

Step Five: Turn all that fake outrage into policy.

And that’s where the real damage happens.

Not in some fantasy invasion of fake ballots.

Not from dead Democrats crawling out of mausoleums in Milwaukee.

Not from undocumented immigrants taking a quick break from jobs most Americans refuse to do so they can risk their future for one illegal vote.

The real threat comes after the lie.

It shows up when fear gets turned into legislation.

It shows up when politicians start pushing laws designed to make voting harder for the people they do not want voting at all. More documents. More hoops. More delays. More chances for working people, poor people, elderly people, young people, and anyone without a perfect little folder of paperwork to get shoved out of the process.

That’s the point.

Just rebrand disenfranchisement up as election security, slap a flag on it, sprinkle in some Jesus, and half the country calls it reform.

—

Well, that’s it, that’s all. The call was coming from inside the house, the killer was already on the line, and half the country still blamed the babysitter.

If you enjoyed this… please don’t tell anyone. I like to keep expectations low and disappointment on par with the disillusionment that I have established in others. Besides, people leave you alone when they think you peaked in 2001.

Deadbeat Monkey, masterfully gifted, emotionally damaged, marginally employed. That’s the brand.

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