OCD, Bipolar Disorder and ADHD... The Things One, Two and Three Dr. Seuss Never Told You About

Sharing space with ADHD, OCD, and Bipolar isn’t your average run of the mill manmade chaos. It’s an overloaded trifecta from hell that just so happens to be juggling sharp knives, fiery bowling pins and chainsaws while you try your level best to pretend to be normal. In terms of roommates, ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, they are absolute bastards who eat all of your food.

Oh, before we really dive in, here’s a fun fact to know and tell, bipolar will complicate the lease agreement even further. Why is that DBM? I’m so glad you asked.

(In my best Mr. Rogers as I clear my throat), well, boys and girls, there are three categories of bipolar disorder:

• Cyclothymia

• Bipolar I

• Bipolar II

That’s right, three different categories of bipolar disorder. In Taco Bell terms if you’re into food borne illness and diarrhea: Mild, Medium, and Extra fucking Spicy.   If you live with any of them, and trust me, the diagnosis can be wildly subjective depending on your shrink, you don’t care. You’re just trying to survive the combo meal.

Alex Trebek, Eat Your Heart Out

Aaand, if you are a Double Jeopardy fan where the scores can really change, Bipolar I and II can swap places like twins trying to fuck with a substitute teacher. Isn’t that adorable? As if there weren’t already too many clowns packed into the car on the way to the circus.

Biologically speaking, this is a zoning violation. Three systems, one of them playing a game of three-card monte, all waking up at the same time. None of them compatible. None of them interested in cooperation. They’re all convinced they’re in charge under the same circus tent. Everyone is touching the thermostat. Emotionally and mentally, you’re as blind as Stevie Wonder and you’ve got three assholes moving your shit. The house is both on fire and being inspected for code violations at the same time.

Keep ‘em Separated… Can't Stop, They Won't Stop

ADHD keeps smashing buttons because silence is awkward AF. Something has to be happening at all times or the whole place feels like it might collapse. OCD is filing formal complaints about the fire while rewriting the rules for how fires are supposed to behave. Bipolar handles scheduling, which means nothing happens when it should and everything happens at once.

From a CPU standpoint, your brain is a gaming laptop that technically works but you can only play Pitfall, Ms. Pacman and Frogger. The CPU is powerful. Overclocked, even. It can do impressive things right up until it can’t. That’s not the issue. The problem is everything wrapped around it. The BIOS and operating systems keep updating themselves without your permission, usually in the middle of something important, but you didn’t click “accept.”

ADHD is the background process eating all the RAM like a stoner on the couch eating potato chips while washing it down with a slurpie. It’s opening tabs and moving the mouse pointer like a possessed planchette (Ouija Board Pointer Thingy) on its own while getting chased by red, pink and orange ghosts. Not to mention, you're also trying to cross the street without getting hit by a car only to end up getting eaten by an fucking alligator.

And OCD? Well it’s busy running diagnostics nobody asked for, refusing to proceed until every possible failure has been documented, reviewed, signed, and emotionally acknowledged.

Bipolar? Well that SOB handles the timing, which means nothing happens when it should and everything happens all at once. You are somehow late, early, and already hanging by your short and curlies before anything has even happened.

Diagnosing Functional Dysfunction

Big picture, ADHD, OCD, and bipolar (depending on which triplet from hell you have) rarely arrive as a clean diagnosis. This is the phase where doctors start throwing meds at you like M&Ms, hoping one of the colors stick. For the most part, I don’t blame them. It’s not an exact science. It’s not negligence. It’s not triage. It’s medical trial and error with the best of intentions. Nine out of the last ten shrinks I have had would wholeheartedly agree.

And while you’re popping pills out of that sample blister pack, you end up with a system that finds great difficulty agreeing with itself. ADHD is pantsless with a whistle he refuses to stop blowing like a toddler with a harmonica his Aunt gave him. OCD then runs the safety announcements and keeps restarting them because the wording did not feel right the first twelve fucking times. Bipolar is “driving,” which explains why you’re accelerating, braking, and changing lanes all at the same time.

Bipolar, the Swiss Army of Psychosis

Most people hear “Bipolar” and stop there, like that explains why the apartment was ransacked. Bipolar dysfunction sets the conditions, but rarely does it work alone. An entire crew of miscreants (fancy word alert) who aren’t capable of distinguishing their assholes from their elbows (southern colloquialism, thanks mom).

ADHD keeps feeds the engine, while chasing ideas, starting things that feel urgent and abandoning them the second the voltage drops. It’s not a lack of focus it just wants relentlessly wants attention tuit suite.

OCD is quieter but heavier. It doesn’t shout. It insists. It replays. It asks if you’re sure, then asks again. It turns thoughts into obligations and anxiety into responsibility. It’s not always about cleanliness or counting , which is a common misconception. It’s about relief that never lasts, which is exactly why nothing ever fully settles. Which is probably why so many of us really like alcohol.

Well, that's it that's all.

If you enjoyed this… please don’t tell anyone. I like to keep expectations low and disappointment on par with the disillusionment that I have established in others. People have a tendency leave you alone when they think you peaked in 2001.

Deadbeat Monkey, masterfully gifted, emotionally damaged, marginally employed. That’s the brand.

Send all hate mail and oatmeal cookie recipes to: dbm@deadbeatmonkey.com

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AA Meetings on Tuesdays. Emotional baggage optional. BYOB.