Part One: Religious Fanaticism in America – Same Clowns, Different Circus

Religious Extremism is Dangerous… Unless it’s Ours

With zero self-awareness, American Christian Nationalists often describe Iran’s religious dictatorship as one run by fanatics. I don't know, for some reason this seems to run somewhat parallel to what we're seeing now, but I can't quite put my finger on it. You’ll hear goose stepping white masked, red hat wearing sycophants scream “I VOTED FOR THIS”. Particularly White Nationalist Christians who love to say things like…

Any Government controlled by religion is Tyranny!

Odd that. Because it leads me to my first question for the “Don’t Tread on Me” truck flag ball sack trailer hitch hayseeds, Do you even hear yourselves right now?

I mean, is it stupidity, stubbornness or undiagnosed psychosis? At the very least, have someone conduct a well check on you from time to time.

What else do they like to say? Oh yeah, I remember now...

Religious police enforcing Shariah law is oppression!

I’ll take Evangelicals sounding like us Libtards for five hundred Alex.

Teachable moment my Ten Commandment conservative brethren: Shariah law comes from the Qur’an and the Hadith. It’s essentially that system’s version of scripture-based law. Nearly everything is justified through religious texts.

Sound familiar? Because it's an all too familiar case study in hypocrisy. A cautionary tale if you will (and even if you won't) about what happens when religion and government stop having boundaries. Do I have to

keep dropping bread crumbs Evangelicals, or are you finally able to make the sandwich all by your onesies?

Are the Ten Commandments performative for you?

Like… more of a guideline than an actual rule? Some of you who demand biblical law seem perfectly fine treating commandments like a side piece when it’s convenient and iron law when it's not.

Still Not Convinced Evangelicals?  Okay, I’ll Play

You see, everything sounds good on paper until you ask the obvious question. Gee, DBM, you seem to have all of the answers. Which portions of the bible should I read besides Romans 13:1 (fealty to the Government), 2nd Chronicles 7:14 (America was founded on Christian values and must get back to basics, yada fucking yah), and Proverbs 29:2 (Authoritarian righteousness, sans moral compass)? Well bless your heart, I am tickled to the pinkest of pinks that you asked.

Bible Verses Conservatives Keep Beating Like a Dead Horse

Here's my playbook, let's hope something sticks friends. We'll just swap the scripture, help them marinate in the hypocrisy and hopefully they will stop basking in their own ignorance?

Government Should Enforce Biblical Morality

Alright. Let’s do it. Divorce is only allowed for adultery (Matthew 19:9)

This means half of Congress would lose half their shit in another divorce settlement. Insert slow… clap… here.

This also means your cheating heart would be punishable by stoning (Leviticus 20:10). If this was the case, DC would look a fucking gravel pit by now if you got your way.

America Needs Biblical Values

Perfect. I think you are on to something. Jesus told people to sell their possessions and give to the poor(Matthew 19:21)

BT dubs, this wasn’t originally said by that evil socialist Nair Dowell Bernie Sanders, it was actually Jesus who said that. So, if we’re enforcing scripture, start with every prosperity-gospel preacher flying around in a private jet along with crazy assed Paula White and every White House Press Secretary who “prays” before lying to the American people.

America Needs to Apply Biblical Law

Hey, that’s cool, because fun fact to know and tell, this would mean every half century all debts get erased (Leviticus 25:10)

That would be Student loans. Mortgages. Credit cards. The event referenced in this verse is called "Jubilee". A forgiveness of all debts. Wall Street would shit a brick, but you can bet your sweet ass the rest of us would be jubilant AF.

Bring Back Biblical Morality

This is actually one of my favorites because that would mean:

You LOVE your enemies (Matthew 5:44)

You WELCOME the foreigner (Leviticus 19:34)

You CARE for the stranger among you (Deuteronomy 10:19)

Bring Biblical Morality Back to Government.

Another one of my favorites, because that (looking at you Republicans) would mean you:

STOP writing laws that crush the poor and STOP getting rich by exploiting them. (Isaiah 10:1–2 and Proverbs 22:16)

Scripture speaks to a lot more than it does policing everybody else’s bedroom, getting the “brown people” out of the country and bringing about first degree murder charges against women who get an abortion regardless of the circumstance.

Funny how literal translations of these verses never make it onto bumper stickers. Maybe I'll start making them. If there's any gaps that need to be filled in so many areas of this country, it's lack of love and acceptance

Well, that’s it, that’s all.

If you enjoyed this… please don’t tell anyone. I like to keep expectations low and disappointment right where it belongs, somewhere between televangelist prophecy and the last time a politician actually read a Bible.

Deadbeat Monkey, masterfully gifted, emotionally damaged, marginally employed. That’s the brand.

Send all hate mail, biblical rebuttals, and spare stones for the adultery trials to: dbm@deadbeatmonkey.com

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