PSA Christian Nationalists: Clean Up Your Shit Before Dad Gets Back

Christian Nationalists are to Christian as MTV is to music. When it comes to Jesus, nothing they do matches the one I know. None of it passes the smell test. They are either nose blind to their own bullshit or they simply do not care. I've never once heard a single Christian Nationalist actually quote Jesus. It's almost as if they've never met him. They just wanted the t-shirt.

Before we really get rolling, I'm fairly certain anyone reading this already has a fully functioning smell test. That is to say, I'm not telling you something you don't already know. No one in their right mind would dive headfirst into a pile of manure just to just make sure it's bullshit. We see it exactly for what it is, If it walks like a theocracy, talks like a theocracy... well, you know the rest.

Performative Faith

Self righteous conservative clones, same soap box, same talking points.

Bible in one hand.

Made in China nylon flag in the other.

Gold cross bouncing like a backstage pass, featuring a Jesus meet and greet.

The Gospel According to Fox News

Settle in Nationalists.

You're about to be Sunday schooled

I'm about to bitch slap you with your own bible.

Someone has to.

Because you sure as shit are not reading it.

Jesus never said, “Take up your cross, put it on a necklace, and cheer for checkpoints, deportations, and police states.” Maybe that shows up in the Donald Trump Bible, Book of Caucasians, Chapter 23, Verse What the Hell Ever.

He didn't hand out gold jewelry or VIP access to Heaven for people who treat faith like a costume rack for authoritarian policy. The one I know said, “Take up your cross and follow Me.” That was not branding. That was a direct hit to the ego of every holier-than-thou poser marching through Chick-fil-A like they own the fryers. Carrying your cross was never a photo opp. It meant dragging your pride to its funeral. It meant mercy. It meant truth. It meant sacrifice in a world addicted to power and pretense.

The Pharisees never left. They just rebranded:

• Televangelists

• Evangelicals

• MAGA Faith advisors in the White House acting like God has a VIP lounge

Discipleship is not hashtags, selfies, or charades on Sunday. It is choosing integrity while everyone else trades it for clout and cheap hate.

If this stings, or if it is flying over your head, then you never had the gospel.

What you have is heresy, weaponized scripture and a political costume stitched together with fear and white privilege.

The story begins with Christ. Not empire. Not assimilation. Not a flag.

That's a hard one for the holier than thou to swallow huh? The Heritage hacks. The flag wavers. The Bible thumpers posing with their AR-15s for the family Christmas card. They cannot stand the Jesus who actually showed up. He did not bow to the powerful. He did not chase influence. He flipped tables with zero fucks given regardless of who was sitting at them.

He walked past palaces and temples to sit with the people they tossed aside. He lifted the broken. He restored dignity. He did not audit votes. He did not clear out encampments for photo ops. He did not weaponize scripture for political wins.

That is the Jesus I follow.

Red-letter sans red hat.

Open arms to outsiders, not the religious elite.

And if you want to know who the outsiders are today, here is the short list.

The migrant family dumped in a swamp for a governor’s campaign stunt.

The addict who gets mocked while the mocker hides their own vices.

The single mom juggling three jobs while megachurch pastors swim in tithe money under LED lighting.

The trans kid praying to survive adulthood while the people up front pray for that kid to disappear.

The homeless vet ignored by the same crowd that worships the flag he bled for.

And now the lines grow. Every protestor. Every unhoused person. Every Black or brown kid on a sidewalk labeled a threat so a police state can show off.

You do not see justice. You see empire control. You do not see security. You see Rome with better branding persecuting the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, the hungry, the merciful, pure in heart, and the peacemakers.

So ask yourself, Evangelicals, when the Kingdom hits the ground, which side of the barricade do you think Jesus will stand on?

Here is a hint. It is not with the ones holding the batons and if that makes you uncomfortable, good. That means the light is finally hitting you. If the light hits you, there's still hope.

Well, that’s it, that’s all.

If you enjoyed this… please don’t tell anyone. I like to keep expectations low and disappointment on par with the disillusionment that I have established in others. Besides, people leave you alone when they think you peaked at baptism.

Deadbeat Monkey, Masterfully gifted. Emotionally damaged. Marginally employed. That’s the brand.

Send all hate mail and alter calls to dbm@deadbeatmonkey.com

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AA Meetings on Tuesdays. Emotional baggage optional. BYOB.