Meteor 2026: America's Plan B Pill

If people ever needed proof the country’s cooked, just take a look around. According to a jerky faced RFK Jr., Acetamenaphrinafin is the "leading cause" of Autism, FIFA just awarded the world's first participation trophy to pacify a petulant Head of State, and conservatives mourned the loss of Charlie ‘the teeth’ Kirk with smoke machines, propaganda and fireworks. POTUS and HOTUS were amongst the bereft in attendance. Kudos to Ol' Yam Tits as he really showed off his mad eulogy skillz by folding in 'Fascist Democrats', the 'evil within' and 'wind turbines driving whales insane (obviously)' in tribute .

The Circus Didn't Stop at the Casket

In addition to fireworks, the funeral featured merch tables. Thaaaat's right, merch tables. No funeral could possibly be complete without one, and nothing says 'respect for the dead' like a clearance rack of Chinese made flags, bubble wands for the kiddies and Charlie Kirk bobble heads.

Charlie. Kirk. Bobble heads? What in Zeus' butthole? Even I know that selling a stationary doll whose head bounces down from left to right is wrong on so many levels. I'm surprised the lack of self awareness didn't place him sitting down with a microphone in a TurningPoint canopy tent.

At this point, MAGA Republicans are hitting jackpot on the absurdity slot machine with three What in the Actual fucks in a row. Another scandal. Another shooting. Another political cult turning tragedy into a merch drop. When are they going to stop digging for rock bottom before they actually hit it?

So, how do we crawl out of this mess? It sure as hell isn’t another election. When my mom was slinging drinks back in the 70's and 80s, she used to people, “Y'all need Jesus before you die of consumption.” Maybe instead of an election, we need an intervention.

Do elections even matter anymore? We keep pretending they do, but the joke’s on us. Like Mark Twain once said, if voting made a difference, they wouldn't let us do it. Free and fair elections used to be our only intervention. Used to be. Now they’re the punchline. Maybe a different kind of "come to Jesus moment" is needed?

America Needs Rehab, Not a Ballot Box

No, not a 'road to Damascus' intervention. Or one that sends Uncle Sam to rehab. He wouldn't last two minutes in rehab anyway. He'd never make it past the first group session. He'd go AWOL, crawling back to the same abusive Republican pimp that’s been beating the hell out of him for years, swearing this time "will be different".

So, what do you do when you're in a Mexican standoff with MAGA Zealots, ICE Agents snatching families off the street and a Head of State taking cat naps during cabinet meetings? No amount of drugs, alcohol (believe me, I've tried) and mental gymnastics on God's green earth can explain away what we are seeing. Good news, when all seams lost, and if NASA can find you one, you call in a meteor. Guaranteed delivery, no filibuster. That’s right, you heard me, let's bring in a fucking meteor, America's Ultimate Plan B Pill.

Brace for Impact, Not Reform

Not the same, worn out redemption, post recovery underdog plot where everyone learns a lesson and hugs it out. Nope, just a full your engine light is on, rude awakening "cut the shit impact. I want a third party meteor to come in and take care of business. At the very least a meteor doesn’t pretend to care. It's bipartisan. It's bullshit neutral. It doesn’t smile for cameras or promise to 'fight for families' while emptying their wallets.

We need a space rock to shake the planet like an etch-e-sketch. Not completely obliterate us. Just enough to get our full and complete attention. The ultimate 'scared straight'. What would that look like? I don't know, maybe (hypothetically of course), one that sticks the landing on a certain 19-hole golf course. Eighteen holes and one supersized ass... hole.

Of course, if it did hit Disgraceland, Republicans would call it the first 'trans meteor' and Fox would hold a panel on whether it was groomed by NASA.

Sound crazy? Sure. But this is the same country where a sitting congresswoman blamed California wildfires on 'Jewish space lasers.' That wasn’t satire. That was C-SPAN. And this same congresswoman is telling the president to go fuck himself. Marjorie Taylor Greene giving DJT a giant middle finger wasn't on my bingo card? Was it on yours?

Nonbinary Lesbian Meteors Now a Threat to Freedom. So yeah, the idea that MAGA Republicans would buy into breaking news that a gender-fluid meteor plummeting toward Terrafirma to turn everyone gay isn’t a stretch. Some of these fuckers would buy the merch along with the matching bobblehead.

Conservatives, Beware the Sky is Falling... and it's Gay!

Pass this on to your friendly neighborhood Q cultist now so they spread the rumor that there's a nonbinary lesbian Libtard conservative heatseeking comet rocketing through space toward earth. The sky is indeed falling. The Libtards have lost their minds, meteors now have pronouns and they're coming for your liberty America.

Hell yeah. I vote for a 'come to Jesus moment’, but on a much smaller scale. There’s still hope for some of us. Not a cataclysmic, world ending meteor, just a cosmic fastball to the chin. Honestly, at this point a flying space rock is the only politician I trust at this point. A meteor doesn’t lie or cheat on its wife with a porn star. It doesn’t ship half a million AI chips to the UAE after pocketing a $2 billion bribe. It doesn’t grift. It delivers.

No Affairs, No Bribes, Just Impact

Vote "Meteor 2026: Finally, a Candidate Who’ll Make an Impact without Screwing You". I'll pundit the holy hell out of that message. A slogan that fits on a hat. No debates. No attack ads. Just a countdown clock, and everyone knows exactly when it ends. Everyone already knows the result before 'Super Tuesday' arrives.

The endorsements would be epic. DiCaprio would host a 'carbon-neutral' yacht fundraiser. Kanye would drop Yeezy Impact. Tom Cruise would strap himself to it just to prove he still does his own stunts. For once, celebrity endorsements would actually mean something.

So, update your meteor insurance. Keep your affairs in a moderately organized shoebox. And remember, Meteor 2026 may be the only hope this country has left.

Well, that’s it, that’s all.

If you enjoyed this… please don’t tell anyone. I like to keep expectations low and disappointment on par with the disillusionment that I have established in others. Besides, people leave you alone when they think you peaked in 2001.

Deadbeat Monkey, Masterfully gifted. Emotionally damaged. Marginally employed. That’s the brand.

Send all hate mail and oatmeal recipes to dbm@deadbeatmonkey.com

Broken Twitter: @deadbeatM0nkey

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AA Meetings are on Tuesdays. Emotional baggage optional, BYOB.

And if my wife is reading this, I don’t need a merch table at my funeral, but I do want a kissing booth so Republican friends and Conservative MAGA family alike will have one last opportunity to kiss my ass. It’s hyperbole honey, I’m not a complete asshole. They just have to kiss part of it. Both my friends and family would absolutely agree, "it's what he would’ve wanted".