Immigration Isn’t the Crisis, Ignorance and Hypocrisy Is.

So, What Does “Undocumented” Even Mean?

MAGA strategists like Stephen Miller toss the boogeyman buzzword "Undocumented" or "Illegal" around like it is some bedtime horror story aimed at scaring the shit out of every Karen, Kevin and Christian Conservative who've barely left their own fucking zip code. And you know what? It's working

It's that Stephen Miller boogery campfire story right? The one where you need to beware of the "illegal" and undocumented “paperless spirits” roaming suburban cul-de-sacs, tiptoeing through grandma's raised flower beds, terrorizing gated communities leaving flaming brown bags full of dog shit (before eating them of course) on Karen's front porch.

And so, the trope catches on and continues. Painting any shade short of saltine as evil. It's the most dysfunctional form of deflection on the planet. You can be lazy with your bigotry and blame everyone else except yourself. God forbid you call the the Government to the carpet and demand they be held accountable. Where do you think the trope is coming from? It's coming from inside the house mutha fuckas.

So, Fox, friends and the feeble minded alike start to whisper “illegals" the same way we used to whisper “Bloody Mary,” as if saying it three times in front of a full length mirror will make an immigrant appear ready to pounce, ready eat all family pets with reckless abandon and steal your job. Or, in reality, ready to do all of the back breaking shitty jobs they refuse to do.

Light a Match, Start a Fire, Get the Conversation Going

At your next family gathering, whether that be Thanksgiving or this coming up Christmas, ask your idiot Trump supporting cousin what the naturalization process is, and I fucking guarantee you he'll need to phone a friend (they wouldn't know either). Bluntly ask them the difference between a visa, a green card, and a Cheesecake Factory gift card and watch their eyes glaze over like a Christmas ham. They absolutely do not know, and sure as shit won't go out of their way to become informed.

Of course they don't know. What do you think is going to happen when the only time Cousin Cleetus ever leaves his house is to work the dunk tank at the the county fair or hit up Walgreens for some oxy?

We all have family and friends that we love who are easily manipulatable and lock on to that "border crisis" buzzword and you'll have to pry that lie away from their cold dead hands before they let go. Talk about a redneck echo chamber. When they say "an Illegal", they do not see a human being. They see a shadow. A threat. A Fox News plot twist. And with enough imagination, the immigrant boogeyman is now living under the bed, right next to the MAGA hats, Trump Hightops and No Trespassing plaque nobody gives a shit about.

Paperwork Reality Check

Here's the part 'mericans refuse to acknowledge... most of the people they call “undocumented”, the ones they consider "illegally" here... are here legally. They legit have more official paperwork than that suburban dad drowning in unopened HOA letters, a truck covered in "Let's Go Brandon" stickers along with a “Don’t tread on me” and matching MAGA flags like his and hers bathroom towels you can't dry your ass off with.

Immigrants here file tax returns, carry driver licenses so they can get to and from work. And they work their asses off. Their kids have library cards. They open bank accounts. Banks fall over themselves to hand them loans. Health insurers sell them coverage. Phone companies give them contracts faster than they fix their broken data plans. You cannot do any of that without documentation. In some instances, they have better fucking credit than you and I do. Because the creditor knows they'll pay off the fucking loan. Think about it. Your debt to income ratio is gonna be pretty low when you work two, sometimes three jobs.

The Bullshit "They Drain the Economy" Trope

The next talking point is the tired claim that “undocumented workers drain the economy.” No dude. They are the economy.

They pick the crops. They build the houses. They clean the offices. They cook the meals. They take care of the kids. In some cases, they raise the children of people who cannot be bothered to raise their own.

Remove them and watch the system stall. Watch your six dollar pumpkin spice latte skyrocket by 130 percent to fourteen and your "buy American" dream of getting a brand new Ford F‑150 Raptor R go for a cool six figures just for the base model.

This Hits Closer Than People are Aware of

This is not a “them” problem. Vegas odds say you know someone who faces deportation. You rely on someone who faces deportation. Some of them are people you know personally, people you smile and wave at on the daily.

They mow your parents’ lawn. They watch your children. They worship in your church. They live the gospel more honestly than the people cheering for deportation trucks after buying their very own autographed Trump Bible, 2nd Amendment Edition.

Some of Us Haven't Forgotten Where We Came From

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Remember when that used to mean something? Doesn't that sound familiar? Would we even be here? Some of the same people demanding deportation can trace their entrance into this country all the way back to Ellis Island's book of names.

They were given opportunity, second chances. A country that welcomed the very people who built it. Has no one seen the movie with crazy Tom Cruise, Far and Away? Joseph Donnelly just wanted a fucking chance man.

Well, that’s it, that’s all.

If you enjoyed this… please don’t tell anyone. I like to keep expectations low and disappointment on par with the disillusionment that I have established in others. Besides, people leave you alone when they think you peaked in 2001.

Deadbeat Monkey, Masterfully gifted. Emotionally damaged. Marginally employed. That’s the brand.

Send all hate mail and oatmeal recipes to:

dbm@deadbeatmonkey.com

Broken Twitter: @deadbeatM0nkey

Insta: Deadbeat_Monkey

AA Meetings on Tuesdays. Emotional baggage optional. BYOB.